Fratty Frank and Bougie Brad are lounging on the porch. Both are exhausted – Frank from a tough CrossFit workout and Brad from a “House of Cards” binge. Brad checks his Twitter feed and finds Leonardo DiCaprio shirtless and a tad flabby. An interesting and oddly erudite conversation on why dads pack on pounds follows.
Brad: Yeah, DiCaprio! Ain’t so young like you were in Titanic.
Frank: Yo lemme see… whoa yeah dude. Put on a shirt, son! Or at least do some situps. Man I had to do 5 rounds of them, clean-and-jerks, rope climb, and swim 800m at CrossFit today. Totally exhausted, bruh.
Brad: Dude you’re a tool for doing that stuff. You’re just going to wreck your knees, back, obdulla oblongata, spleen…
Frank: Yeah I don’t gotta dad bod either.
Brad: Dad bod?
Frank: Yeah, some girl wrote about “dad bods” and why women think they’re sexy. I don’t buy it but check it out.
Brad: (skimming the blog over) It’s like she knows my very thoughts… victory!!
Frank: Dude calm down! I’m not gonna sit here and let you do nothing productive with your life and let some rando tell you how awesome you are for doing nothing and packing on pounds.
Brad: Hey, I’m big-boned! Besides a few extra ain’t gonna kill me. You’re the obsessive loser with your dieting and workout. Hey bruh, here’s an idea, eat a carbohydrate!
Frank: Bruh… beer?
Brad: Alright, other than beer. I’m just saying the dad bod is empowering!
Frank: You gotta be kidding me.
Brad: Nah, check this out. Leo and me, we’re kindred spirits. We’re not obsessed about weight. We’re not protein-shake slurping, Paleo meat heads.
Frank: Yo, don’t knock paleo til you try it.
Brad: Pfft, I’ll eat pizza if I want to and so does Leo and so should you. We’re comfortable in our own skin. There’s no pressure. Even more – and here’s the clincher for me – at least some female finds it attractive. Dude, are you telling me I’m loved for who I am and don’t need to do a bunch of situps? Sign me up, bruh.
Frank: Allow me to retort.
Brad: Awesome movie, bruh. Tarantino at his best. It’s available on Netflix streaming!
Frank: Really… Hey don’t distract me! Okay fair, there’s some male empowerment there. But other dudes think it’s sexist and I agree.
Brad: But women are empowering me and…
Frank: Dude, would you date a size 16 girl?
Frank: Okay then, we still have grave inequality between genders concerning beauty. Lemme see… [scans phone] here, Time had a piece on this. [Brad reads it] Why should you be allowed to let your body go but we still hold women to strict standards? I’m not knocking a size 16 woman – people have such little control over their body type and beauty’s in the eye of the beholder anyway. But this whole “dad bod” thing lets me look at you and be like, “That bro rocks the dad bod!” and lets me look at Size 16 Suzie and be like, “Whoa wide load!” That’s messed up and you perpetuating that inequality is more messed up.
Brad: Yeah but…
Frank: Nah bruh, no yeah buts. I’m not saying you have to CrossFit like me, but at least get some regular exercise. Four times a week, a half hour each time? That’ll keep you healthy and keep extra pounds away. An extra 15-20 pounds can increase your risk of stroke and give you diabetes. Heart disease is America’s #1 killer.
Brad: Okay, timeout. I’m not saying look like Shamu or anything. Just I don’t need to obsess over my body. Why can’t I be comfortable in my skin?
Frank: My dad has a dad bod and so does yours.
Brad: Well yeah… they’re dads.
Frank: Well how did they get those extra 15-20 lbs.? Mine would eat a quick snack to be energized for 3am feedings when my sister and I were infants. Mine would sneak a drive-thru meal from Wendy’s during half-time at my soccer games so that he could treat my teammates to a meal after the game. Mine would work late to provide for us, which usually meant Chinese, Thai, or Indian takeout. Then there’s the big family meals – I’m Italian after all. And maybe, just a couple of cold ones when relaxing on the back porch.
Brad: And good for him! [raising a Natty Lite in the air]
Frank: You don’t get it, bruh. Hitting the gym takes time. Eating well takes great effort. These can and should be done by dads and others. But if that extra 5 inches, 8 inches, whatever around the waist got there because dad was looking after us, then I ain’t gonna begrudge the old man an extra hot dog and another helping of potato salad at the cookout.
Brad: Would you begrudge me one?
Frank: Yeah, because my dad’s dad bod came about from self-sacrificing love. Yours came about from Natty Lite, Chipotle, and Netflix.