Editor’s note: Welcome to round two of Celebrity vs. Saint! You can catch up on our last edition over here. Send any Celebrity vs. Saint breakdowns you want done to Jeff at [email protected] or fill up the comments below.
Say what? Mmmmmhmmm, that’s right. To celebrate her man’s taking the reins for a second go-round, The First Lady done got her hair did. And everybody’s talking about it – even balding 30-something seminarians.
Edition #2 pits Michelle Obama (bangs born: c. January 21) vs. St. Mary Magdalene (feast day: January 20). How do they stack up? Let’s turn to the tape.
BIRTH & DEATH
- Mary Magdalene – Born: Unknown; Death: Unknown. Sources have the same accuracy about her dates as Peter Thamel’s Sports Illustrated coverage of Manti Teo’s girlfriend.
- Obama’s bangs – Born: Two Thursdays ago (1/17/13). The Botticelli of Bangs, Johnny Wright, midwifed this chic look from her statue-esque Greek Goddess ‘do of recent history. Death: No death in sight. The Bangs are bangin’ and the bangs train keeps rollin’ on.
Edge: Obama’s bangs. Everyone from Jimmy Kimmel to HufPo to ABC News is covering the ‘do…
- Mary Magdalene – Throughout history all-too-often Mags has been wrongly painted as a “woman of the night.” Scholars have argued whether Mags was selling all her lovin’ in the Gospels, but it’s more likely the whole rep was a smear tactic by Pope Gregory the Great. There’s no conclusive scholarship, but Mary’s rep as a holy women often gets smeared when artists depict her with seductive flowing red locks.
- Obama’s bangs – The always ‘spot-on’ Piers Morgan.
Edge: Obama’s bangs. In the time of Mary Magdalene, the hair of most women was wrapped up tighter than a Taco Bell burrito. Hair let-down usually meant an unkempt woman…even if she looks well kempt. Some scholars associate “loose hair” with intimacy while others, such as the author of this Smithsonian article, note a connection between “loose hair” and eroticism. As for the First Lady, she is only facing an army of one: Piers Morgan. But does anyone really care about the Brits or snobby British culture anyways? Oh, right…the millions of people who watch Downton Abbey.
- Mary Magdalene – The Messiah. The Christ. The Son of Man. The Vine. The Shepherd. The Gate. The Savior. Jesus. Anyone who has more nicknames than Babe Ruth must be a legend. She saw the miracles and was the singular audience savation history’s Main Event. And, he also happens to be the source of faith and worship for over a billion people.
- Obama’s bangs – The Barack-star. One of the Most Powerful men in the world, and a devoted husband who went so far as to name-checked the bangs at his inauguration.
Edge: Mary Mags. I still want remain a Jesuit…and he’s my leading man, too.
- Mary Magdalene – She’s the “apostle to the apostles,” the first one who told the men that Jesus was risen. That’s the rep that Mags deserves after being unfairly labelled a prostitute for so many centuries.
- Obama’s bangs – A crazy critical mass Twitter account.
Edge: Obama. My guess is that most people will imitate and replicate the bangs. They won’t, however, actively model their behavior off of the Magdalene’s rep.
THE WINNER’S CIRCLE: Obama’s Bangs. We have a new “Patroness of Hairdressers.”
Like the Notre Dame vs. Alabama National Championship Game, this match-up was all show and no-go. This one didn’t live up to the hype. Mary Mags’ rep is surrounded in controversy greater than Lance Armstrong proportions. The general respect of bangs? Only on the rise.